It's in the file
by Shadow ScytheX
Summary: 4th Chapter: Contains some jokes from GFAQs... If you've never been to the site, then it's just random stupidity.
1. We love Bahamut!

Devil may clutch his side from tremendous pain of laughter.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Dante had his feet propped up on his desk, reading highlights for kids. Then Trish appeared out of nowhere and said in her head (never trust an author with a 3-letter nickname. Damn Azu and Tak.) She then got her dirt bike and said "Humph. He said a gas-free motorcycle with all terrain. I thought he meant electric. $200 down the proverbial drain." She then walked into devil may cry and Dante said aloud, "Bees like honey." He then put the book down and said, "Hi." That's it. Very quickly and raised his hand while saying it. "Errrr… Oh yeah! Hey, you Dante Sparda?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Be-CAUSE!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"BECAUSE, YOU FU**ING RETARD!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"GOD DAMMIT!" Trish then lost it and then asked sweetly, "Can I have your sword for a second?"  
  
"Sure," he responded. He handed her the Force Edge, then she kicked him in the nads, then threw the sword at his chest.  
  
"Ummm… ow." Was all Dante said. Trish then said, "Suck on this, you mentally handicapped little bastard!"  
  
Dante then said, "Time to go to work, Ebony and Ivory!"  
  
He whipped out two soap bottles, attached to squirt guns, filled with water. He then shot suds at the bike, which shot at the wheels breaking it down, and then it started a chain reaction, destroying any resistance against rapid oxidation. In 1 tenth of a second. This made the bike mysteriously catch on fire, and Dante rolled out of the way, pushing the sword straight through him.  
  
*somewhere in the Alps*  
  
"Yo-de-"  
  
YYYYYYYAAAAARRGHGHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
"OWIEES!" Dante whimpered.  
  
"OH! You're TLDKS's retarded child."  
  
"Oh."  
  
R&R for chapter 2! 


	2. Don't you feel smart.

Chapter 2: "Caution: Slow person crossing."Disclaimer: Don't own anything, cept for the plot. The OOCness is from Bahamut. Beware the Mega Flare.  
  
Trish taught Dante about everything he needed about tying your shoes, why demons never need food, how to fend off strange, demented perverts that might be your brother, Alastor Ifrit Sparda: Getting to talk to your weapons that you have met before, but not in weaponform exept for Ifrit.  
  
She reminded him to take meds constantly (when he is told.) She then went off somwhere on the isle, singing "Dante, I shall find you a vaccine for stupidity."  
  
Dante's short attention span got the better of him. He saw the blue orb, and he now was constantly trying to get it. It went like this:  
  
Bounce."Just missed it."  
  
Bounce."Just missed it."  
  
Bounce."Just missed it."  
  
Bounce."Just missed it."  
  
Bounce."Just missed it."  
  
Bounce."Just missed it."  
  
Bounce."Just missed it."  
  
Bounce."Just missed it."  
  
Bounce."Just missed it."...  
  
2 hours of bouncing later...  
  
A death schythe pops out of the catle. He shouts to Dante, !!!!!!!!!"ARE YOU F***ING RETARDED, OR ARE YOU JUST CHOOSING TO IGNORE THE  
  
ESCALAtOR  
  
30 FEET AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Trish, who heard this, thought, "Probably both." The etheral being became furious as Dante looked at a bluejay the entire time.  
  
He then used the escalator and threw the blue orb straight at the back of his head. Dante said, "Thanks mister mad ghost!" and walked through the door. He decided that he would look for summore orbs to add to his collection. He saw a stairwell with huge increments of red orbs on them. He also noticed a statue with a very sharp spear. He collected a red orb, then decided to stare at the counter for a while as it went up. He stared at it till he was at the platform with the spear, then fell right on to it, grabbed the spear, do a perfect rodeo 720, and was showered with red orbs, gining him a grand total of 100 red orbs. He then said, "I can buy a new dinette pizza set! Awesome."  
  
He then went to the door and it took 45 red orbs from him. He banged on the door, did a flip kick, then his eyes glowed red. He then said," Better down some meds. Light ones, for now." He then got out a Hi-C mixed with pot, drank it all up, then got an evil glint in his eye. " Prepare to eat my lead!"He whipped out the REAL Ebony and Ivory, then hit the door with 80 clips from the guns. After all that, only a tiny piece of wood is all that's left, and the meds wear off.  
  
R&R. You know you want to. 


	3. Short but sweet. Like a sucker that's be...

Chapter 3: The Ketchum boy cometh  
  
Disclaimer: Nova… BLAST!!!!!!!!!!! Whew. Bahamut's idea, okay?  
  
  
  
1 The idiot managed to get his stupid orbs back, when an annoying voice stopped him. "Hey, where's that gym?" asked Ash.  
  
2 "Hey, who are you?" he asked. "I know, let's battle!" he shouted. But Dantoid was looking at the poke balls the whole frickin' time. So he said, " If I win, I get one of those orbs, 'kay?" Ash nodded in agreement. But Ash whooped him because he had nothing to fight with. Then, he said one thing: " BAHAMUT! I NEED HELP!" The king of dragons instantly came flying in the castle and used Mega Flare, destroying Ash except for his head. Bahamut gave Dante a secret handshake, and then flew off. Dante walked away, ignoring Ash's shouts of, " Hey! Get over here so I can bite off your ankles! Hey!" 


	4. The Immigrant Song

It's In the File

Chapter 4: The Immigrant Song

Disclaimer: ...Not now. I'm depressed. Bahamut is a... a... THIEF! *Cries himself to sleep*

Our lovable, Albino-With-A-Tan-And-A-Sucky-Ass-Sequel-Idiot, walked through the empty castle halls, reflecting on what just happened.

Dante: I broke down a door, declared myself king of the Shoopufs, ate a pound of 'Special Brownies', took a leak on that tree, and somehow ended up in this altar. TO THE LEFT!

And thusly, our hero took a left, and wandered out to the infamous plateau of 5 red orbs. And then he planted the red orbs into the ground, and it was good. He then walked across the infamous catwalk, and then noticed something terrible...

Dante: In the author's hurry to move along the story, I have not gotten Alastor! _Le gasp..._

Son of a bitch! Plot device a-go-go, baby! Erm... Suddenly, the platform collapsed under Dante's feet. He felt himself falling, falling, being stabbed, shocking, falling, splashing, getting a bigger shock, and then, as he opened his eyes, and noticed the sword hilt protruding from his chest. All of a sudden, his amulet glowed bright.

Amulet: _Must break sword, break it now, break sword, DO A BARREL ROLL, break sword, y halo thar, buttseckz? _

Dante:  Damnable LUE amulet... but Alastor? Why are you here?

Alastor: It was all a corporate scandal. My company's funding ran out, so they sold me to the first license they could find. And Capcom won a bet, so...

Dante: That still doesn't explain why you're embedded in my chest, and all of the skull's stopped moving, and is it just me, or do I smell toast?

Alastor: Well, first, you must pull me from your ribcage, and wield me as you would your brother's teddy bear.

Amulet: _It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time, Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Oh... Um... Right. Kill, kill now, death is good, suicide is your only option, Yuna was my only love, love turns men into fools, look, a quarter!_

Dante: My Amulet speaks the truth... TO THE MAURY MOBILE!

All of a sudden, volcanic activity produced a tremendous explosion. Dante then stood on the remains of the bridge, soaking wet, with an electric sword in his ribcage, an evil talisman on his neck, and a whole mess of plot holes.

Dante: *Walks through the door, takes the Lion's Pride* Hey... Cool. Alastor, touch my thing.

Alastor: Do you EVER intend to take me out of your chest?

Dante: ...No.

All of a sudden, Phantom then fell from the sky! Yes, from the sky. Not the roof, not the floor, BUT THE SKY! Matter composed in midair, formed into a lava spider!

Dante: But why is he all transparent? And the glass isn't even shattered!

Rand al'Thor: *Walks through the door, sword glowing with Balefire* Yo. 'Sup, devil boy?

Lews: _Look, I was already made fun of with that damn amulet. DEATHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Rand: Ignore him.

Dante: So, I see you're a man of great power. HAVE AT YE!

Dante then reached for the Force Edge, but... IT WAS NOT THERE!

Dante: DAMN YOUR BALEFIRE! ...I have no sword. OH, WOE IS ME!

Alastor: Yo, jackass, down here!

Dante: STFU N00B!

Amulet: _Oh shit, he got the meds! _

Dante: *Rips out Alastor, tosses it aside* OMGWTFLOLBBQ!? I W1LL PWN J00R ASS!

Rand: Prepare to die!

Lews: _Oh, fuck this._

Dante: *Suddenly, yanks out the Durandal from Fire Emblem* j00 h4ve n0 c|-|4nce, n00b.

Rand: I will not lose! *Takes out _Callandor_* BALEFIREDOKEN!!! *Launches a torrent of white flame*

Dante: SHIZIT!

Amulet: _DO A BARREL ROLL!_

And just as this set in, Dante twisted the sword behind his back, and twisted his body in an unusual sideways flip, glowing blue with deflection power.

Rand: *Runs off*

Amulet: _Use 'Boost' to catch up! (Up C)_

Dante then had a humongous flame trailing behind him as he trailed behind Rand.

Dante: *Glows with energy* I COME FROM THE LAND OF THE ICE AND SNOW!

He then focused, and launched a huge slash. All of a sudden, a single image came across the screen:

…………………………………………………. __ . __……………………  
……………………………………………….../'`: : `\,---`.„…………………  
………………………………………………../|,-'`¯¯`\(0)_\,----,,,_………..  
………………„~*¯¯`"\,………... _„_………( `\(0),,_/` ¯ : o : : :o `-, …...  
……………../ : · :(",.~;*'¯¯¯"\, (_,-- ``"~,….\ : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : `\…..  
………….....| : · :,/`,-*~;~··-„,/ ('` ``)/· ,…\.,/` : : :_„„,: : : : : : : : : : : \…  
…………….| : · / ,/`,--\ \'`0\,---„1 ‹'`--(_ ,/ / : : :,/` · · ): : : : : : : : : : : |…  
……………..) : µ'` .\ (0) `¯ . . ·`), . ,-~`.. \ : : :| · · '"\, : : : : : : : : : : :/…  
……………/` ,/_~-, .`;;`„-„,__,./, ```/……. `\: :\ · · · · `*-.,_ : : : : : :,-' ….  
……………`-/¨;--;~' `"*-=,=-_`" ,) ,/`……….`› : `\, · · · · · · ¯"~---,--`…….  
…„„………__\, · ', · . . . `\„_,/ ,/;-;_ ……. /` ` | ./ · · · · · · · · „-"…………  
.( :·`\,-~*`¯ · · ·`¯` `~--~*~---~;/`,-~*```*--, `1` / : | · · · ,---~*"`……………  
. \·:··:"*~-,,„„____„„,.-~"`¯¯¯¯/ / · · · · · '\,) , / : :| · · · ·\………………….  
…`"'~-,„„„„„„,,~'`` . ( · · · ,.__| | · · · ·, `\„„/ ,/`: : / · · · · ·| ………………..  
…………………….\`"""` · · ·`'~;-,„,,_)"`_-' : : / · · · · · · | ………………..  
……… (`*"-,„,-"¯¯"`-;„· · · · · · , /'``,-~"`¯: : : :/ · · · · · · |.………………..  
………. | : :(,;-===-„, `\,· · · ,-`| · ·/ : : : | :,/` · · · · · · ·| ………………..  
……… . \ : :\, · · · · \\ · `\. ·)· / · / : :\ : :`~,_ · · · · · ./ …………………  
………… \\,_`~.,_„,.-*\\, `/,/„/` ,/ : : :`';-.„_ : ¯-, · · · /,…………………..  
…………..`\,,`"| : :`-,„_„))'`"` ·,/`_„,~*'` · · ( · , ,`)· ·,-; `'\,………………..  
……………..`*-\ : : : `~----~*` / · · · · · · · · ""~"` ·/` ·( _ :)………………  
…………. ,.¬-,--\ : : : : : : : : / · · · · · · · · · ·,,-"`…..'-„,-'……………….  
…………..| |: :*:\ : : : : : : :_/ „____„„„„,---~*`……………………………  
…………./ / : : : `~-„„„„„,.;;`,,.--`………………………………………….  
…………| | : : : :|¯ : ,/ ¯ ………………………………………………….  
………….\,\,_,„./---~`………………………………………………………  
………………………………DANTEj00…………………...................

Amulet/Lews: _YOU'RE WINNER!_

Dante then came out from the rubble. As his meds wore off, he took out a guitar.

Dante: Kiddies, let us not forget the lesson of Rand:

Ah, ah,   
We come from the land of the ice and snow,   
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.   
The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands,   
To fight the horde, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming!   
  
On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore.   
  
Ah, ah,   
We come from the land of the ice and snow,   
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.   
How soft your fields so green, can whisper tales of gore,   
Of how we calmed the tides of war. We are your overlords.   
  
On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore.   
  
So now you'd better stop and rebuild all your ruins,   
For peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing.__


End file.
